Emily Nagoski’s phrase “pleasure is the measure” is such a simple reminder and it’s a total game changer. Instead of focusing on whether sex follows the “right” sequence or looks like what you’ve seen in media, it centers the only thing that actually matters: Does it feel good for the people involved?

When pleasure becomes the measure, sex stops being a performance and becomes a collaboration. It’s not about doing sex right — it’s about doing sex together.

When Women Ask for Pleasure and Are Told No

A pattern many women describe goes something like this:

They ask their male partner for something—more clitoral stimulation, use of a toy, slower pacing, a different position, more kissing in different places—and they’re met with:

• “That’s weird.”
• “I don’t want to do that.”
• “You like what we’re already doing.”
• “I’m not involved enough. The toy can do that – what am I supposed to do?”
• Or the quiet versions:
  • Shrug, a half-hearted attempt, a quick return to his routine. 
  • They’ll agree and do it once, but then never again and need consistent reminders, then complain that she is nagging him.
  • Maybe the worst outcome – they just ignore the request and don’t do the thing.

It’s dismissive, even when it’s subtle. And over time, it can chip away at a woman’s sense of being heard, seen, and allowed to want pleasure at all.

This isn’t about technique — this is about responsiveness, respect, and belief. A partner’s willingness to listen is often the real erotic ingredient.

Why Some Men Struggle to Hear Their Partner’s Feedback

Many men were taught that sex is something you’re supposed to “just know how to do.” The cultural script is that in order to be a “real man” he needs to: perform well, impress his partner, and not require any direction. So, when a woman says, “a little slower,” or “more pressure,” some men hear:

• You’re doing it wrong.
• You’re failing.
• You’re not enough.

Rather than adjusting, they often defend. Rather than listening, they may retreat. Protecting the ego sometimes becomes more important than tending to the partner.

And layered into this is the difference between solo sex and partnered sex.  Men often have a lot of experience with solo sex and less experience with partners.  Many women will refrain from solo sex because they think it’s wrong or bad and wait until they have a partner.  This can be a recipe for disaster.

Masturbation is a self-driven experience — the exact pressure, rhythm, timing, and goal are all tailored to one body: your own. That doesn’t automatically translate to understanding someone else’s body. What feels intuitive in solo sex doesn’t map neatly onto a partner’s sensations, pacing, emotional needs, or pleasure patterns.

Sometimes men assume sex should feel the same for everyone, and they rely on their own solo blueprint. But partnered sex requires learning your partner’s erotic map — and recognizing that their map is the one that matters in that moment.  

Due to a lack of solo sex, it may take women time to learn her own erotic map in order to teach it to her partner. Initially, this puts men in the position of taking the lead and knowing what to do in order to pleasure her. This isn’t fair to the men out there because they are expected, at least initially, to know more than the woman about her own body.  However, once the woman is in a place where she is asking for certain things, he needs to do his best to accommodate in order to make the sex a pleasurable experience for all involved.

Talking During Sex: The Most Underrated Skill

Healthy sexual dynamics include some version of:

• “More of that.”
• “Slower.”
• “Can we shift?”
• “Not like that.”
• “Yes, right there.”

Talking during sex isn’t micromanaging — it’s co-creating the moment.

But many people feel awkward about talking because porn is their unofficial sex education. Porn rarely shows lovers communicating. There’s no, “Hey, that angle hurts my hip,” or “Can we pause a second?” But that doesn’t mean communication isn’t happening.

Think about it…Behind the scenes, there’s so much talking. Performers sign detailed consent contracts, negotiate boundaries, discuss what’s on the table and what’s not, and receive constant direction from directors, producers and crew. Porn scenes are heavily coordinated, blocked, and rehearsed.

The talking just isn’t on screen.

So using porn as your sexual education is kind of like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious: high energy, entertaining, and wildly unrealistic.

In real intimacy, talking is essential. And here’s the bottom line:
When your partner tells you what they need, believe them and act like it matters.

Ignoring or doubting what someone tells you about their own body isn’t just unhelpful — it erodes trust, desire, and emotional safety.

A Simple Practice for Giving and Receiving Feedback

One low-pressure way couples can build sexual communication skills is through a nonsexual exercise: guided hand and foot massages.

Why it works:

• It’s intimate without the stakes of sex.
• It lets partners practice giving feedback kindly.
• It helps partners practice receiving feedback without defensiveness.
• It builds the foundational skill of “adjusting in real time.”

How to try it:

1. One partner gives a hand or foot massage for a few minutes.
2. The receiving partner offers gentle, specific feedback:
   • “A little slower.”
   • “More pressure.”
   • “That spot feels great.”
   • Or, just “ooohs and ahhhs” of pleasure and joy.
3. The giver adjusts without taking it personally.
4. Switch roles.

This exercise strengthens the muscles of communication, responsiveness, and emotional attunement. Once you’ve practiced a bit with this, then you can apply the same ideas to sex.

When Pleasure Is Truly the Measure

The joke is often that men want so much more sex than they are getting in marriage.  Think about it…if she’s truly getting pleasure from the sex you’re having, she’ll probably want more sex (pleasure).

When partners prioritize each other’s felt experience:

• Sex becomes collaborative instead of choreographed.
• Pleasure becomes shared instead of lopsided.
• Feedback feels connecting rather than critical.
• Women stop apologizing for wanting pleasure.
• Men stop feeling like they’re supposed to be mind readers.
• Everything gets easier, more honest, and more enjoyable.
• There is more desire for sex and therefore…more sex.

Pleasure isn’t a luxury — it’s the whole point.  

Kimberly Atwood is a licensed psychotherapist and certified sex therapist working in private practice in Princeton, NJ. She specializes in sexual health, intimacy and relationship issues and runs workshops and groups on these topics. For more information, please check out her website.