Lately, more couples are talking about open marriage—not just as a fantasy, but as a real possibility. We are living in a different day in age and the idea of expanding love, desire, and connection outside a primary partnership has moved from whispers to podcasts and dinner-table debates. And yet, for every story of freedom and deeper connection, it seems like there are two more of heartbreak and confusion.

Lily Allen’s most recent album captures that tension vividly. Her songs trace the unraveling of an open marriage that fell apart not because of the openness itself, but because the foundation cracked under the weight of poor communication and broken trust. As an outsider only listening to this (amazing) album and not knowing the couple at all, it seems that the rules were vague, the discussions too shallow, and when one partner crossed lines, there wasn’t enough clarity—or safety—to repair the giant rupture.

There’s a quiet truth of “opening up”: it’s not just about giving permission. It’s about building a map for new terrain together. It is much more complicated and requires a lot more discussion than most couples think and things go awry quickly. Most couples underestimate how intense these conversations can be. What sounds like a modern adventure—“let’s explore”—quickly exposes deep layers of insecurity, jealousy, unmet needs, and power imbalances.

Why Seek Therapy?

That’s where a good sex-positive therapist comes in. Not as a referee, but as a guide through the murky parts that love alone can’t illuminate. As an experienced therapist versed in opening up, I help couples slow down before they jump in—naming motivations, fears, and expectations with more precision. Why do we want this? What are the non-negotiables? How will we handle hurt and jealousy when (not if) they come up? These aren’t easy questions to answer in the privacy of your own kitchen without any guidance.

Helpful therapy also helps dismantle the fantasy that an open marriage will “fix” what’s broken. If intimacy feels strained, if resentment has settled in, or if one partner already feels unseen, more partners rarely solve that. In fact, adding complexity to a shaky foundation tends to expose every hidden crack. The work, then, is less about managing logistics—who, when, where—and more about emotional literacy and radical honesty.

When couples do this with care, some find it is a way toward freedom and they thrive. They learn to separate love from possession, to hold multiple truths at once: desire for others doesn’t always mean dissatisfaction with each other. But when skipped steps turn into broken trust, the fall can be steep. Lily Allen’s album doesn’t mock the attempt—it seems to mourn how much was left unsaid and prepared for before the leap.

Open marriage isn’t doomed by nature; it’s undone by silence, assumption, and speed. A thoughtful therapist doesn’t hand out permission slips—they slow things down and back things up.  They help you talk about rather than act things out.  

And maybe that’s the real takeaway: if you’re considering opening up, first make sure your relationship is open enough to handling many difficult and honest conversations. This is not for the faint of heart.  For those truly interested in growing closer together by discussing (and eventually) ethically opening up, it’s totally doable.  

Kimberly Atwood is a licensed psychotherapist and certified sex therapist working in private practice in Princeton, NJ.  She also provides online therapy with clients living in Indiana, New Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, and Pennsylvania.  She specializes in sexual health, intimacy and relationship issues and also runs workshops and groups on these topics.  For more information, please check out her website.